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Blogging Themes…Or Lack Thereof

February 1, 2012

I envy people who seem to know what direction their life should take.  That certainly hasn’t been me.  I’ve always sort of gone where the wind has taken me.  The path of least resistance.  Maybe because I’ve had so little self-confidence most of the time.  And a good amount of shame.  Not being able to be vulnerable.

My brother-in-law posted this Ted Talk on facebook and it told me many things about myself I already knew, but I believe I’m trying to come to grips with.  Vulnerability, as my wife can tell you, is not my strong suit.  I have always believed I had to be strong…perfect even.  No weakness.  No chink in the armor.  I am a man, and a real man is all of those things.  It didn’t help that my first wife positively preyed on those feelings, but, in the end, we are all responsible for ourselves.

I believe that my issues with vulnerability, self-confidence, shame, fear…are the reasons for this blog.  I felt like God was leading me to write this.  And so I wrote, having no idea what I was going to write about and what purpose it was to serve.  I’ve written about food and politics mostly.  Those things I am most passionate about.  But I’m beginning to believe I’m somehow missing the boat.  The words and topics are not coming to me like they were in the beginning.

In the beginning, I talked about me.  Not food, not politics, not my opinions, not what I had for dinner.  But about me.  And I believe that is what I’m supposed to write about.  Once again, to what end and exactly what I’m supposed to write I don’t know.  But I’m trying very hard to follow where He is leading.

My job sucks, our finances suck, my health sucks (I’m going in to have my gall bladder removed next week.  It’s supposed to be simple, laparoscopic surgery, but there is a chance, with the surgeries I’ve had before, they will have to do it the old-fashioned way.  And my history has not been one to support simple solutions.), and I’m sitting here writing this blog.  Because this what I feel I’m supposed to be doing about it.

That certainly doesn’t compute for me.  First of all, I never let people in.  My inner circle is so small, even I don’t know who’s in it.  For me to “air it out” like this to everybody is the antithesis of everything I’m about.  Second, I am a doer.  If your job sucks you go get another one.  You don’t sit in front of your computer typing some crap about your life.  But here I am.

I have some gifts.  I can cook.  I can write.  I can interact with people…all kinds of people, from high-powered executives to laborers, to artists.  I have a good memory.  I’m not saying I’m the best at any of those things, but I have some level of talent for them.  And I’ve never known what to do with them.  Somehow, someway, I feel I’m supposed to find that in the pages of this blog.

I’ve been watching the stats to see how my readership is.  The answer to that is, what readership?  But I am realizing that’s not the point.  The point is not for me to market myself, use the right keywords, hit other blogs and comment so they will track back to me.  The point is, I need to write.  I need to write about myself.  My struggles, my successes, my feelings.  Blech.  I feel like Hank Hill right now.  I wanna go puke.

At least, that’s what I think today.  Maybe it’ll be different tomorrow.  I don’t know.  But I’m trying to find peace.  And right now this feels peaceful.  I may still write about food or politics, if that’s what’s going on with me.  I don’t know.  I’m living my life and I’m going to try to let you in on it.  For some purpose known only to God.  I’m gonna be a little like Charles Bronson’s character in The Dirty Dozen.  A psychiatrist was testing him by showing him Rorschach inkblots and asking him what he saw.  Every single answer had to do with baseball because “That’s what I was thinking about”.

Its a scary thought.

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3 Comments
  1. fish permalink

    i think you’re doing a good thing – the right thing – by writing this blog. your life is original; a one of a kind and as an appreciator of all things original, i’ve enjoyed all the posts i’ve read sir. your words and writing style are easy to read and genuine in nature. keep going. numbers and readers are irrelevant. exposing your soul for the sole purpose of growth is all that matters! love you brother!

  2. Erica permalink

    You are doing as He asks…following as He leads, one (sometimes terrifying) step at a time. I love you and I’m proud of you!! Joshua 24:15

  3. linda k. stevens permalink

    your message is real….and inspiring….

    keep posting. God takes our offerings (whatever that might mean) and multiplies with His blessings.

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